Are Corporations Gay?

We were discussing Texas Proposed Constitutional Amendment 2 (of 9) at lunch today.

“The constitutional amendment providing that marriage in this state consists only of the union of one man and one woman and prohibiting this state or a political subdivision of this state from creating or recognizing any legal status identical or similar to marriage.”

While obviously just a hateful, unnecessary, hypocritical attack on the rights of homosexuals, and merely a diversion away from the multitude of failures of our legislators to do anything beneficial this session, it does pose an interesting question: Are corporations gay?

Under United States law, a corporation is treated in many ways as a person, having many of the same constitutional rights as a human being. In the 1886 Supreme Court case of Santa Clara County v. Southern Pacific Railroad Company, Chief Justice Morrison R. Waite announced: “The court does not wish to hear argument on the question whether the provision in the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which forbids a State to deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws, applies to these corporations. We are all of the opinion that it does.”

Okay, so according to the Supreme Court, corporations are persons. It’s a well-known fact that a person has a gender, male or female, so this would imply that corporations have a gender. But which gender? Given that a lot of people have been fucked by corporations (just ask an Enron employee), I think it’s pretty safe to consider them male. Furthermore, I know a lot of people, men and women, that would say they’ve been totally fucked in the ass by a corporation, making corporations not only sodomitic, but also bisexual, and when it comes to men, gay. So there you have it: Corporations are gay. Q.E.D.

So, to corporations in support of this amendment, such as for the purpose of denying insurance coverage to domestic partners, I’ll just say that I hope you’re not planning any mergers…

To all other Texans, please go vote against this stupidity. Early voting is going on now, and the official vote is Nov. 8.

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