A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch.

The observant barkeeper calls over to him, “Hey friend, do you know you’ve got a steering wheel attached to your crotch?”

“Arrrr,” says the pirate, “I know, it’s been drivin’ me nuts all week.”

There once was a famous pirate captain, well known for his fearlessness in battle. One day, the watchman called out to the captain, “Sir, there’s an enemy ship approaching!” The captain called to his first mate, “Prepare for battle, and fetch me my red shirt!” The enemy ship engaged them, but the captain, dressed in his red shirt, fought valiantly, and his crew was able to repel the invaders.

The next day, the watchman called out again, “Captain! Ten enemy ships on the horizon!” Once more the captain called for his red shirt, and once more he led the crew into battle, and they emerged victorious.

That night, after the tales of the heroics were recounted, the first mate asked the captain privately, “What is your secret, sir? And why do you always wear the red shirt?”

“Well, lad,” said the captain, “I suppose I can tell you, but don’t let the rest of the crew know. I wear the red shirt so that, if I am wounded, the blood will not show, and the crew will think me invincible, and fight onward with courage.” The first mate nodded, amazed with the captain’s cunning.

The next day, the watchman calls out, “Captain! One hundred enemy ships on the horizon!” The captain stood firm, his face a mask of pure calm. Then turned to his first mate, “Get me my brown pants.”